Top Three Items Worth Nothing 99% of the Time--But Worth an Ounce of Gold (in March 4, 2011 $) When You Need Them (In No Particular Order)

3. Earring Backs. I lose a couple of worthless earrings (that always include only one of a pair) within one week at least once a year, and then lose no more earrings, even if I'm trying, for the rest of the year. I keep the backs of the single earrings so I'm prepared--HA!--for those inevitable moments when, like Superman swooping in to catch Lois Lane, I can save the day (or at least a decent pair of earrings) with a spare back. But not tonight. Not when I'm 600 miles from home with only one pair of earrings to my name (hey! I packed light! YES, it CAN happen!)... and maybe not even that, if I can't scrounge up another priceless back somewhere.

2. Socks. Thanks to all those cannibalistic laundry machines, the world boasts countless single socks (now that's a church sign I'd like to see: "Lonely? Feeling Depressed? Come Join our Sock Divorce Support Group (Cotton Only, Please)") that could instead be headlining on The Morning Show as medal-laden heroes of Chris Dubois's toes.

1. Pens. When I cleaned out my purse last week, I counted no fewer than 17 pens. Which is super helpful when I need to write down doctor's appointments, friends' baby due dates, grocery lists, best-seller inspirations, and other completely, utterly vital information that cross my path at pivotal moments when I've left my purse at home in favor of a diaper bag. It would've been nice knowing ya, Mr. Pulitzer Prize.

In most circumstances, this is known as a choke.